Um, Yes You Are.

Ok, so I don’t necessarily always go too far to or past the borderline of TMI, and I’m not always treading the line of decency and offensiveness. I try to be a good boy, and not even necessarily post everything that comes to my wicked nutty brain. Thank God. Shut up brain.

But I’ve been thinking lately, why not? I mean, it’s just a personal little blog here. It’s supposed to be funny. So I’ve been thinking lately that I am going to be more willing, when I post, to tread that line a little more. Maybe even push the line farther away and then tread it there. Anyways, in thinking along these lines recently, I couldn’t really find a topic that was a-little-more-offensive-ice-breaking-funny.

Then I went to get my haircut yesterday. Don’t have to tell you where, let’s just say it’s a Super place to get hair Cuts. They give Super hair Cuts. Clever, icwhatudidthar. I’m tricky brain, you should know this.

I’m getting my hair cut by one hair-cutter-lady in one chair. She’s a petite little young girl. Nice enough. Forced dialogue ensues, no big deal. Just trim the back and sides with a 2 guard and do finger length trimming on the top. Thanks, here’s your $14. But I wasn’t listening to her blabber. I was listening to the conversation from the other hair-cutter-lady and her customer in one of the other chairs.

In the most non-rude way possible, yet still trying to get across exactly the magnitude that I’m speaking of, we’ll call the other stylist, BIG. Be nice Jay. No brain, I’m not being rude. I’m just saying, she’s got some size on her. A lot of it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all out of shape here in America. We all should eat less fast food and take more jogs. I’m not lying peacefully here in my glass house here with a sack of rocks. Doesn’t mean this girl isn’t a nice girl, doesn’t mean she can’t cut hair, doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. I’m just being truthful with you here; she could drop a few pounds and still rival Rosanne Barr circa 1993. Just too big. Time to consult a physician. Time to change one’s lifestyle.

I know some of you think I’m a heartless asshole now. Whatever, I don’t hate fat people. There’s just a difference between pleasantly normally overweight people in our society, and the OH MY GOD DON’T FALL ON ME, WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO HARD people. Hell, according to the stupid charts at my doctor’s office, unless you look like a praying mantis, we’re all “obese” by the true definition of the word. There’s just a time where you need to just make a life change and work to keep yourself healthier so you can live longer and be around your loved ones longer.

But this isn’t a public service announcement, sorry to digress. Anyways, I’m sitting there getting my hair cut, and the other customer and her hair-cutter-lady seem to know each other more than the casual customer-to-hair-cutter way. They’re discussing the stylist’s upcoming wedding in January.

Customer – is it going to be a big wedding?

Jay – durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thank you for not saying that outloud. Hey, I couldn’t have thought it without you. True, but what kind of question is that to an NFL offensive lineman, “is it going to be a big wedding?”. Well thank you for not making me say *that* outloud. What do you think, center, guard, or tackle? Left Guard. Good call.

Stylist – Yeah. We’re having it at ………[insert a couple minutes of wedding babble, location, # of attendees, where the reception is, blah blah blah]………

Customer – Oh, that’s a nice place to have your reception………..[insert a couple minutes of blabber about receptions and menus and crap]……….

Then it happened.

Customer – So what kind of cake?

Stylist – Oh, I’m not really a cake person.

Jay – Ummmmmmmm. Don’t do it! Quiet! Not out loud!