HokieJayBee's NFL Week 16

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone has a great holiday season. Be safe and probably won't see you until next year.

In the mean time, here's my weekly NFL newsletter for week 16.
Click here to jump over to BeerControlOffense.

Later!

Um, Yes You Are.

Ok, so I don’t necessarily always go too far to or past the borderline of TMI, and I’m not always treading the line of decency and offensiveness. I try to be a good boy, and not even necessarily post everything that comes to my wicked nutty brain. Thank God. Shut up brain.

But I’ve been thinking lately, why not? I mean, it’s just a personal little blog here. It’s supposed to be funny. So I’ve been thinking lately that I am going to be more willing, when I post, to tread that line a little more. Maybe even push the line farther away and then tread it there. Anyways, in thinking along these lines recently, I couldn’t really find a topic that was a-little-more-offensive-ice-breaking-funny.

Then I went to get my haircut yesterday. Don’t have to tell you where, let’s just say it’s a Super place to get hair Cuts. They give Super hair Cuts. Clever, icwhatudidthar. I’m tricky brain, you should know this.

I’m getting my hair cut by one hair-cutter-lady in one chair. She’s a petite little young girl. Nice enough. Forced dialogue ensues, no big deal. Just trim the back and sides with a 2 guard and do finger length trimming on the top. Thanks, here’s your $14. But I wasn’t listening to her blabber. I was listening to the conversation from the other hair-cutter-lady and her customer in one of the other chairs.

In the most non-rude way possible, yet still trying to get across exactly the magnitude that I’m speaking of, we’ll call the other stylist, BIG. Be nice Jay. No brain, I’m not being rude. I’m just saying, she’s got some size on her. A lot of it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all out of shape here in America. We all should eat less fast food and take more jogs. I’m not lying peacefully here in my glass house here with a sack of rocks. Doesn’t mean this girl isn’t a nice girl, doesn’t mean she can’t cut hair, doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. I’m just being truthful with you here; she could drop a few pounds and still rival Rosanne Barr circa 1993. Just too big. Time to consult a physician. Time to change one’s lifestyle.

I know some of you think I’m a heartless asshole now. Whatever, I don’t hate fat people. There’s just a difference between pleasantly normally overweight people in our society, and the OH MY GOD DON’T FALL ON ME, WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO HARD people. Hell, according to the stupid charts at my doctor’s office, unless you look like a praying mantis, we’re all “obese” by the true definition of the word. There’s just a time where you need to just make a life change and work to keep yourself healthier so you can live longer and be around your loved ones longer.

But this isn’t a public service announcement, sorry to digress. Anyways, I’m sitting there getting my hair cut, and the other customer and her hair-cutter-lady seem to know each other more than the casual customer-to-hair-cutter way. They’re discussing the stylist’s upcoming wedding in January.

Customer – is it going to be a big wedding?

Jay – durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thank you for not saying that outloud. Hey, I couldn’t have thought it without you. True, but what kind of question is that to an NFL offensive lineman, “is it going to be a big wedding?”. Well thank you for not making me say *that* outloud. What do you think, center, guard, or tackle? Left Guard. Good call.

Stylist – Yeah. We’re having it at ………[insert a couple minutes of wedding babble, location, # of attendees, where the reception is, blah blah blah]………

Customer – Oh, that’s a nice place to have your reception………..[insert a couple minutes of blabber about receptions and menus and crap]……….

Then it happened.

Customer – So what kind of cake?

Stylist – Oh, I’m not really a cake person.

Jay – Ummmmmmmm. Don’t do it! Quiet! Not out loud!

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 15

Click here to see this week's HokieJayBee NFL newsletter over at EBJ's BeerControlOffense.

Thanks, and if I don't get to say it next week, have a Great Holiday Season!!!!

Is That The Same Finger?

I have a ~half hour interstate commute to work every day. Suffice to say, I see a lot of people and a lot of cars on a regular basis. Combine my Sirius Satellite Radio with my liking of the pastime known as “people watching”, and work commutes aren’t always half bad. I also have a little game I play with myself sometimes. Jay, careful….. Not that brain! I don’t call that a “game”. I like to take a person’s car in, make and model, new or old, condition, stickers, driving style, etc. – and try and predict that person’s demographics, gender, ethnicity, age, etc. – based on their car.

One time, when explaining the rules of this self game to Mrs. HokieJayBee so she could try and understand a little of what goes on in this pretty little headpiece of mine, I played the predictor game out loud for her. After I went 12 for my first 12, she made me stop because she was laughing too hard and I was getting cocky. True Story.

Also, it’s not like I set out to play this “game”. It just happens. Huge Ford Truck, Harley Davidson stickers, truck in pristine condition, driving way too slow in the right lane – white male, early fifties, T-shirt or sweatshirt. Ding ding ding. Late model Kia sedan, no stickers, license plate QTBABY or something similar, driving way too fast and recklessly for the current traffic conditions like we’re in their way – young black female, big earrings, chewing gum, on cell phone. Ding ding ding. That’s just how my head works. I subconsciously start into this game all time when driving.

So anyways, I’m driving to work the other morning. Probably too fast, but I’m always 7 minutes late to work. Don’t know how I do it, no matter how my morning goes I’m always 7 minutes late to work. And besides, how else would I verify my game predictions of people if I wasn’t going faster than them to pass them and verify? So I’m driving to work, predicting away.

Brand new Range Rover smaller SUV, pristine condition, sky blue, just washed, driving fine for current conditions in right lane, two college stickers. You know, the kind where you put your alma mater or where your kids go on the back windshield? These two, Yale and Brown. Well highty tighty hoopty boopty for you Ivy Leaguer! Yale *and* Brown? I’m gonna go with 38-45 white female (the husband would have gotten the bigger range rover and would have gotten dark green), turtleneck, too much make-up, costume-y jewelry, talking on phone but on hand’s free set.

Reality: nailed it. 38-45 white female, not a turtleneck, one of those blouse’s with the enormously too big of a collar sticking out of a normal necked sweater, make-up normal, correct on the too big for her head earrings, and correct on the phone, but she was holding it. Holding it with her head leaning right on her right shoulder. Driving with her right hand. Why so much detail in her body placement?

Because her left hand was up at her face and her left pinky was two knuckles deep in her left nostril.

Is that an Ivy League thing? The Pinky? I mean, we all pick. But a full lean over double knuckle pinky shot? And is that the same finger you Ivy Leaguers leave hanging out in mid-air off of your cosmopolitans?

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 14

I'm back from the Great White North, after spending a week with our Canadian neighbors at a jobsite.

A couple quick thoughts:
[1] Yes, they do talk like *that*.
[2] And for all the talk about us being pansies down here and not liking cold weather, they sure talk about it a lot when it's cold and snows. That's probably more a symptom of flat-out nothing else to talk about than of the cold really bothering them though.
[3] HokieJayBee's NFL week 14 newsletter can be found posted over at BeerControlOffense. <----click here and enjoy.

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 13

So, you didn't even get a warning post about Week 12's picks over at BeerControlOffense. And you haven't had a post in forever.

It's been busy at work [gasp], and there was that whole holiday thing, and blah blah blah blah blah. Excuses, excuses. I'll try to post more, I've been lazy.

Back to normal here with HJB's week 13 NFL newsletter, published over at my boy's BeerControlOffense. <----click here.