One Step Further

Welcome back me. Long break over Christmas for me, lazy no bloggy time. But I'm back.

So I’ve already detailed for you in a previous post, the guy we’ve all worked with, the talk-in-a-circle-in-work-speak-phrases-guy. The guy who doesn’t do anything, or produce anything of actual value for your company – but sure can talk a huge nice game, and it sounds like he’s busy at something.

Today I wanted to detail for you another guy that I work with, and maybe you can relate.

I like to call this guy the one-step-too-far-guy. He can take any situation – work related, personal related, no matter who is in the conversation – and essentially ruin it. He takes jokes too far, he takes criticism too far, and basically just creates a multitude of awkward situations for everyone involved. I admit that I find it funny a lot of the time, just watching people react to him, and the looks he gets when he exits, if for the sake of justice or the oh-my-God-there-is-a-God-he-finally-left faces people make behind his back.

This kind of individual is similar to a one-upper-guy. I know you all know a one-upper-guy. He has something to interject into any story anyone is telling. He’s done it better, longer, harder, stronger, faster – than you. Or he knows someone who has. He basically has a one-up, or more knowledge about any subject, than you. And he’s not afraid to tell you about it.

Example of a common One-Upper-Guy:
(for those scoring at home, this is a made up example)

Me: “Me and the family headed to [CITY X] for Christmas this year. Traffic wasn’t bad at all, we made it in like 4 hours. Which was good with the pups and our 2-year-old.”
One-Upper-Guy: “Pfft, I’ve made that drive in 3 hours.”
Me: [long awkward pause] “grats?”

So, the one-step-too-far-guy is similar to the one-upper-guy, only a lot of times his one-upping is just…….one……..step………too……….far. Sometimes he says things in situations that we we're all thinking, but due to the situation or people involved, would never dream of saying. Sometimes he just flat out says some whack ass shit.

Examples:
(all accounts are paraphrased for brevity and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
(yes, these are all accounts I’ve witnessed or been a part of the conversation, none of this is made up.)
(I swear.)

---“Keep Your Day Job.”---
Setting: Big Conference Room, many big important people.
Big Boss Man X: [during a work speech tries to break the ice with a joke, a not funny joke]
Employees: [laugh, forced]
Big Boss Man Y: [who has the authority and company standing, as well as personal friendship, to say this to Big Boss Man X] “Ha, better keep your day job [Big Boss Man X].”
One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: “Yeah, because that wasn’t funny. You’re not funny. You should never be a stand-up comedian.”

So, you see now what I mean with the creature I describe as the one-step-too-far-guy. Good.

---“You look tired.”---
Setting: Employee D’s office, random work morning.
D: “Man, I am beat.”
Me: “No sleep last night?”
D: “Yeah, I was up way too late night watching [TV SHOW X/SPORTING EVENT Q].”
One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: “Yeah, when you’re tired, you look old too. You look like crap today. No offense.”

---“I’d hit it.”---
Setting: Employee G’s office, random work day. Employee G is female.
G: “I cannot stand my hair. I need another cut but I need the bangs to grow out first. Uggh, I hate it.”
Other female employee in conversation: “Awww, it looks fine. It looks really good when you straighten it and wear it layered rather than pulled back.”
One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: [walking by the office, like not even really in the conversation] “Pssssssh, you’re still hot. I’d hit it.”

---“You know she’s 16 right?”---
Setting: Group conversation, office kitchen. Attractive young [young!] girl walks by.
D: “Whoa, who was that?”
Me: “Watch yourself, I think that’s [Employee L]’s daughter.”
D: “Whoops, I think you’re right. She’s like 16 isn’t she?”
Employee L enters the room, now in conversation.
D: “Hey L, your daughter here?”
L: “Yeah, brought me my lunch, she just got her license.”
One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: “Driving? Alright, so she *is* 16. Only two more years and I can make my move, she’s so hot.”

And my personal favorite….

---“It’s pronounced Muh soose.”---
Setting: Group conversation, office kitchen. Males and females in conversation. Employee A rubbing his neck, grimacing.
D: “Morning A, what’s wrong?”
A: “Hurt my neck playing basketball last night.”
D: “Like pulled a muscle, or need a doctor? Or just need to get a professional massage?”
Me: “I’ve gotten one before. Worth it.”
A: “Nah, too expensive. I’ll just rest it a week.”
One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: “Too expensive? I love getting professional massages. Only I call ‘em Rub and Tugs!”

[awkward pause, whole group]

One-Step-Too-Far-Guy: “What, who doesn’t want a happy ending?”



One.
Step.
Too.
Far.

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 16

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone has a great holiday season. Be safe and probably won't see you until next year.

In the mean time, here's my weekly NFL newsletter for week 16.
Click here to jump over to BeerControlOffense.

Later!

Um, Yes You Are.

Ok, so I don’t necessarily always go too far to or past the borderline of TMI, and I’m not always treading the line of decency and offensiveness. I try to be a good boy, and not even necessarily post everything that comes to my wicked nutty brain. Thank God. Shut up brain.

But I’ve been thinking lately, why not? I mean, it’s just a personal little blog here. It’s supposed to be funny. So I’ve been thinking lately that I am going to be more willing, when I post, to tread that line a little more. Maybe even push the line farther away and then tread it there. Anyways, in thinking along these lines recently, I couldn’t really find a topic that was a-little-more-offensive-ice-breaking-funny.

Then I went to get my haircut yesterday. Don’t have to tell you where, let’s just say it’s a Super place to get hair Cuts. They give Super hair Cuts. Clever, icwhatudidthar. I’m tricky brain, you should know this.

I’m getting my hair cut by one hair-cutter-lady in one chair. She’s a petite little young girl. Nice enough. Forced dialogue ensues, no big deal. Just trim the back and sides with a 2 guard and do finger length trimming on the top. Thanks, here’s your $14. But I wasn’t listening to her blabber. I was listening to the conversation from the other hair-cutter-lady and her customer in one of the other chairs.

In the most non-rude way possible, yet still trying to get across exactly the magnitude that I’m speaking of, we’ll call the other stylist, BIG. Be nice Jay. No brain, I’m not being rude. I’m just saying, she’s got some size on her. A lot of it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with it. We’re all out of shape here in America. We all should eat less fast food and take more jogs. I’m not lying peacefully here in my glass house here with a sack of rocks. Doesn’t mean this girl isn’t a nice girl, doesn’t mean she can’t cut hair, doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. I’m just being truthful with you here; she could drop a few pounds and still rival Rosanne Barr circa 1993. Just too big. Time to consult a physician. Time to change one’s lifestyle.

I know some of you think I’m a heartless asshole now. Whatever, I don’t hate fat people. There’s just a difference between pleasantly normally overweight people in our society, and the OH MY GOD DON’T FALL ON ME, WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO HARD people. Hell, according to the stupid charts at my doctor’s office, unless you look like a praying mantis, we’re all “obese” by the true definition of the word. There’s just a time where you need to just make a life change and work to keep yourself healthier so you can live longer and be around your loved ones longer.

But this isn’t a public service announcement, sorry to digress. Anyways, I’m sitting there getting my hair cut, and the other customer and her hair-cutter-lady seem to know each other more than the casual customer-to-hair-cutter way. They’re discussing the stylist’s upcoming wedding in January.

Customer – is it going to be a big wedding?

Jay – durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Thank you for not saying that outloud. Hey, I couldn’t have thought it without you. True, but what kind of question is that to an NFL offensive lineman, “is it going to be a big wedding?”. Well thank you for not making me say *that* outloud. What do you think, center, guard, or tackle? Left Guard. Good call.

Stylist – Yeah. We’re having it at ………[insert a couple minutes of wedding babble, location, # of attendees, where the reception is, blah blah blah]………

Customer – Oh, that’s a nice place to have your reception………..[insert a couple minutes of blabber about receptions and menus and crap]……….

Then it happened.

Customer – So what kind of cake?

Stylist – Oh, I’m not really a cake person.

Jay – Ummmmmmmm. Don’t do it! Quiet! Not out loud!

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 15

Click here to see this week's HokieJayBee NFL newsletter over at EBJ's BeerControlOffense.

Thanks, and if I don't get to say it next week, have a Great Holiday Season!!!!

Is That The Same Finger?

I have a ~half hour interstate commute to work every day. Suffice to say, I see a lot of people and a lot of cars on a regular basis. Combine my Sirius Satellite Radio with my liking of the pastime known as “people watching”, and work commutes aren’t always half bad. I also have a little game I play with myself sometimes. Jay, careful….. Not that brain! I don’t call that a “game”. I like to take a person’s car in, make and model, new or old, condition, stickers, driving style, etc. – and try and predict that person’s demographics, gender, ethnicity, age, etc. – based on their car.

One time, when explaining the rules of this self game to Mrs. HokieJayBee so she could try and understand a little of what goes on in this pretty little headpiece of mine, I played the predictor game out loud for her. After I went 12 for my first 12, she made me stop because she was laughing too hard and I was getting cocky. True Story.

Also, it’s not like I set out to play this “game”. It just happens. Huge Ford Truck, Harley Davidson stickers, truck in pristine condition, driving way too slow in the right lane – white male, early fifties, T-shirt or sweatshirt. Ding ding ding. Late model Kia sedan, no stickers, license plate QTBABY or something similar, driving way too fast and recklessly for the current traffic conditions like we’re in their way – young black female, big earrings, chewing gum, on cell phone. Ding ding ding. That’s just how my head works. I subconsciously start into this game all time when driving.

So anyways, I’m driving to work the other morning. Probably too fast, but I’m always 7 minutes late to work. Don’t know how I do it, no matter how my morning goes I’m always 7 minutes late to work. And besides, how else would I verify my game predictions of people if I wasn’t going faster than them to pass them and verify? So I’m driving to work, predicting away.

Brand new Range Rover smaller SUV, pristine condition, sky blue, just washed, driving fine for current conditions in right lane, two college stickers. You know, the kind where you put your alma mater or where your kids go on the back windshield? These two, Yale and Brown. Well highty tighty hoopty boopty for you Ivy Leaguer! Yale *and* Brown? I’m gonna go with 38-45 white female (the husband would have gotten the bigger range rover and would have gotten dark green), turtleneck, too much make-up, costume-y jewelry, talking on phone but on hand’s free set.

Reality: nailed it. 38-45 white female, not a turtleneck, one of those blouse’s with the enormously too big of a collar sticking out of a normal necked sweater, make-up normal, correct on the too big for her head earrings, and correct on the phone, but she was holding it. Holding it with her head leaning right on her right shoulder. Driving with her right hand. Why so much detail in her body placement?

Because her left hand was up at her face and her left pinky was two knuckles deep in her left nostril.

Is that an Ivy League thing? The Pinky? I mean, we all pick. But a full lean over double knuckle pinky shot? And is that the same finger you Ivy Leaguers leave hanging out in mid-air off of your cosmopolitans?

HokieJayBee's NFL Week 14

I'm back from the Great White North, after spending a week with our Canadian neighbors at a jobsite.

A couple quick thoughts:
[1] Yes, they do talk like *that*.
[2] And for all the talk about us being pansies down here and not liking cold weather, they sure talk about it a lot when it's cold and snows. That's probably more a symptom of flat-out nothing else to talk about than of the cold really bothering them though.
[3] HokieJayBee's NFL week 14 newsletter can be found posted over at BeerControlOffense. <----click here and enjoy.