What The Hell, Exactly, Are You Talking About?

I know anyone reading this, who has worked in an office before, has worked with someone similar to what I’m about to describe. And it’s been humorous in my life, up until recently, when I now have to occasionally depend on this person for something work related.

I’m talking about the talk-in-a-circle-in-work-speak-phrases-guy. The guy who doesn’t do anything, or produce anything of actual value for your company – but sure can talk a huge nice game, and it sounds like he’s busy at something.

I’m not even going to get into debatable made-up words, like the famous double negatives: irregardless or indescrepancy. Or the borderline phrases that people just use to start paragraphs like they’re one jumbled word now: needlesstosay, notwithstanding.

I work in a technical field, so I’m talking about the technical-office-speech-guy. For paranoid reasons, like anyone reads my blog anyways, and even if they did, like it would get back to the real person I’m talking about, and like they’d know who I am too? – I’m going to anonymously call my office-speak-guy, Fred.

Recent situation:

Me: “Fred, when we changed that butterfly valve from a manual valve to a flow control valve, we had to change the mag meter’s control to an FQI for local readings instead of an FIC with readings from the tank level control. Do you want the mag meter’s flow values available on the front end pump info screen in DCS or associated with the tank level?”

Fred: “You know, we need to circle the wagons here, get rid of the white noise, work with synergy and think outside the box. What I want to bring to the table here, going forward, is a way for us to keep our head out of the sand so we don’t drop the ball.”

Me: “What?”

Fred: “The bottom line is that we need to get on team red, do a full cost-benefit analysis, pick the low hanging fruit, and stay on our center of gravity. When I look at the strategic planning here, and check the measures of merit, I think we should talk offline on this issue without the client, keep them in a black box if you will until we’re ready to release the information down the pipe. Do a gut check, you know?”

Me: “So do you want me to show the flow numbers on the front end pumping screen in the control room, or do you want me to associate the flow numbers with the tank level control?”

Fred: “Look, I’m not trying to be the turd in the punchbowl here, but nine people can’t make a baby in one month. We need to get on the same page and touch base before going forward. We’ve got to do more, with less. We can’t just rubber stamp it.”

Me: “Fred. Listen closely. I want you to say a number, I want you to say the number 1, or I want you to say the number 2. If you want me to show the cooler’s flow numbers on the pumping screen, say 1. If you want me to show the cooler’s flow numbers on the tank level screen, say 2.”

Fred: “There’s a ten ton gorilla in the room, and this is like a hot potato. Did you check any piggy back issues? Don’t want to screw the pooch.”

Me: “Say 1 or 2. Just say the number 1, or the number 2. And then sign here.”

Fred: “I see how project coordination is going to work here, and our efforts shouldn’t be for a technological breakthrough, we need to use best practice, for a low maintenance solution.”

Me: “I’m displaying it on the tank level screen. Sign here.”

Fred: “Glad I could help. Make sure [insert name of big boss #1] knows we worked together on the I&C issues, not just the mechanical ones.”

Me: “Do you have any idea what I just asked you.”

Fred: “Of course I do. Did you see those Eagles this Monday Night?!?!?!”