Things That Amuse Me

And maybe only me. Ha, it should say, “Things That Amuse Me, because I’m immature”. So what? There’s simple stuff that I find funny. And that’s all. No hidden agendas, just another mini-confessional about stupid stuff I find amusing. They are:

*My Own Retardedness. Ok, wow. While typing this here little blog for you reader(s), I just found a funny. According to Bill Gates’ little red line, “retardedness” is not a word. Irony is ironic sometimes. Wow, how funny is that, on so many levels? In an effort to make fun of something about myself, I tried to insinuate my own stupidity, and in this case, my inability to learn from making a previous mistake. So I totally tried to use something that’s not a word? Idiot. Yep, that’s funny. And on top of that, right click retardedness, and Bill Gates’ thinks I should have said, “my own beardedness”. Well thanks Bill. I did mean to go into a monologue about my Fu Manchu.

*Take 2. My Own Idiocy. Yeah, get on with it. Ok, inability to learn from a previous mistake. And this one, yes, I admit, happens EVERY time. At work, in my office, we have one of those fancy workstation printer/scanner/copier/fax/tie your shoes/general do anything machines. Like the big ones from the commercials. It pretty much rocks. And with my MBA, it only took admin like 4 weeks to teach me to use it. So anyways, when you want to use it as a scanner, you can set it up to scan your document and you can program it to e-mail it directly to you. And since it’s on the office intranet/LAN/[insert correct compu-nerd term here], it’s pretty much an instant e-mail. Like, the scanned document is on my computer before I can walk the ~30 feet back to my desk. And it never fails, every time, EVERY time I get back to my desk, I’m like, “ooooh, I have new mail!”…..Oh wait, it’s from me, from the scanner. Sad panda. Ok, maybe retardedness was the right word. Ha! See! Somehow, between choosing my scan settings, hitting scan, and walking back to my desk, WITH the subject document IN HAND – I forgot that I just sent myself mail. EVERY TIME.

*Dick and Fart Jokes. See, because you’re immature. Again, so what. I’m an American male below the age of 80. Dick jokes and farts are funny. I’m at the point in my life where I might have to actually start watching my mouth and the volume of the visits from my friend Gaseous Clay – as I don’t want to force this humor onto my toddler son. He must learn dick and fart humor on his own. But I have to admit, in my early 30’s, there’s no slowing of the humor in cock-n-ball jokes, innuendos misinterpreted, or just a good ol’ fashioned fart. Wow Jay, just wow. Shut up. Case in point. There’s a new commercial out for Gas-X. Dude is being interviewed for a job. He’s got tummy rumbles and for the commercial’s sake, let’s just say, to borrow a line from my 5-year-old niece, he’s a little gassy. He’s tossing and turning uncomfortably in the chair, and his interviewer leads in with, (what he hears) “oh I see you graduated at the top of your gas, and you’re flatulent in three languages.” His interviewer’s assistant comes in, distracting her for a second, so he turns and leans and takes a Gas-X. The assistant, “sorry to disturb ma’am, your son Rip is on line toot.” HAHAHAHAHAHA, sorry people, that’s funny shit. Jon Stewart’s got nothing on Gas-X writers!

*Stupid TV. Huh? Other than Gas-X commercials? Yes, like specific shows that amuse me – that probably shouldn’t. Like, I just used the demographic that I’m a male below the age of 80. That whole logic is thrown out the window, when I sit down every Sunday night and watch, with great amusement, Randy Jackson’s America’s Best Dance Crew. You’re apparently a 13 year old girl. Hey, you sit and watch it too. Because I have to! I can’t exactly just leave this dome piece of a head and go do something else. I mean, you don’t have to remember or admit to watching it, yet here you help me type. Touché. Another show that I like, and I admit to near hernia-style laughing, is the ABC show “Wipeout!”, based on the Japanese show “Most Extreme Challenge” or something like that. If you haven’t seen it, contestants are put to a basically impossible obstacle course, always situated over water or mud, and they attempt to get through it. Roughly 0.008% of contestants can successfully do the course. The hilarity that ensues seeing out of shape people throwing themselves into horribly painful looking wipeouts, is well, funny to me.

*Bad Jokes. Perhaps you’re too easily amused. Nah, but I admit to loving some bad, corny jokes in my time. I can’t explain it. Maybe it has to do with the state I was in when I heard the joke. Like, Nebraska? No, you moron, your retardedness is amazing. Like, was I drunk at a party when I heard it, and laughed until I puked, so it just has this overly funny association? Who knows. Example? Don’t do it Jay, not the toaster oven. Sorry, have to now.

So there’s these two muffins in a toaster oven. One of them looks over at the other one, “man, it is HOT in here.” The other one looks up, “HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!”

Sorry everyone, sorry. Aw, quit being a scrooge, that’s funny.