Wait, There’s Rules For That?

Well, not in the sense like there’s a national rules committee, or even standardized rules for everyone to follow – but everyone has their own personal set of rules that they follow, in regards to the amount of slang and levels at which they cuss depending on who the fuck they’re talking to.

I thought of this subject the other day. You see, I have a ~30 minute commute to and from work every day. The morning ride, that’s for “Mike&Mike In The Morning”, or maybe to try for that last little bit of sleep on the way to work. I kid, I kid – but for the purposes of this conversation, I don’t talk to anyone in the morning, it’s too early. The afternoon ride, that’s a different story. I definitely have phases where I am abusing the free long distance of cell phones and use that time to catch up with friends and family. So, the other day, in succession, I spoke to: my wife, my best friend of all time, my brother, and finally a friend from my old office who recently moved back to the east coast.

It amazes me the automatic, subconscious level that my brain knows the rules. It knows to what level of slang or even cussing is appropriate to all these people. It’s not a calculation, I guess it’s just a learned associative property.

Jay, you’re speaking with your wife, be nice.

“Ok honey, I’ll meet you there, drive safe.”
“Ly”
“Lee?”
“Drive safe…..ly”
“yeah, sorry, drive safely” She’s a teacher Jay, deep breath.

Next was my best friend of all time. This conversation was about an upcoming fantasy football draft. We’re both professionals, but we have a vast array of unprofessional memories together from high school through college and beyond. We talk in a lot of slang, but not a lot of cussing. Actually, come to think of it, we actually talk in a lot of movie quotes. But the point here is, it’s not that cussing isn’t allowed, we just don’t do it. Like, neither of us would blink if the other one said, “that’s bullshit!”. I guess we just don’t, from years speaking in front of each other’s wives, or speaking at work on the phone. So it’ll be more like, “CIRCUMSTANCE!!!!! That’s crap!” Don’t ask, just accept it.

Next was my brother. He’s ~8 years younger than me. Did the college thing for a while and now enlisted in the Coast Guard. He’s doing great with it, and will be commissioned soon as he entered with college credits. We talk in a lot of slang too, and it’s always SO exuberant. No rules about cussing or not, but most energy here is spent on the exuberance, not the actual words or conversation.

“yo you see that hit on Boldin last night? Crazy shit!”
“BUHLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DAT!”

And finally, I spoke with a friend of mine from my old job. We both have multiple degrees and technical professional jobs. We both have a family and a young son. We’re both good people. And we’re both just crazy fucking dirty shit talking potty mouths when we get together. Where the fuck did this come from? When did it start? I don’t know. I had to chuckle. We talked about his new job. His move. His cars. My house. My son. His son. Travel plans for the fall. It was a perfectly normal situation. Minus the constant barrage of shit fuck cocksucker dickball titty cooter.

You ever wonder where your brain came up with these rules? I understand they’re learned over time. I can’t help but think my brain has this subconscious flowchart set up for the advancement of slang and language in conversations with people. And the other person is running a similar strategy.

Jay, would you like to see it? Wait, you really have one?